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Forum Zone-2000 • View topic - Planinarski vicevi

Planinarski vicevi

Vijesti, informacije, pitanja, ankete... u najširem smislu

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Planinarski vicevi

Postby sherpa » 29 Jun 2006, 14:01

Bilo je razbacanih viceva po forumu pa da ih pričamo na jednom mjestu. I neka budu vezani za planinu, ako treba prilagodimo vic koji nam se sviđa, svakako to svi rade, ili ga izmislimo.

Evo ja ću početi:

Sizif je bio prvi koji je nosio stamal na planinu i prvi je lansirao Rolling Stones-e.

Lete dva kamena iznad Prenja kad će ti jedan, hajdemo ovdje sletjeti.
Jesi li lud, vidi smo kolika je gužva, odgovara drugi.

Kako zonzoni prave zid od kamena?
-Postave jedan i na njemu napišu: itd.
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Postby sherpa » 30 Jun 2006, 12:22

A ima i ovaj,
Leže dva poznata zonzona na livadi na Jezercu. Sunce pripeklo, ali oni ne mrdaju. Nakon sat veli jedan, jest žeže, nakon dva sata odgovara drugi, baš je pripeklo. Već je kasno popodne, kaže jedan, 'ajmo u 'ladovinu. Dignu se oni i polako ispod munike u hlad. Kaže drugi, šta ti je čovjek, k'o ptica, čas je ovdje čas je ondje.

Žena jednog zonzona čije ime ne smijemo navesti, sprema mu doručak. Kad on k'o furija upada u kuhinju i odmah s vrata:
- Pazi, PAZI! Stavi još malo ulja! Oh, Bože! Pečeš ih previše istovremeno. PREVIŠE! Okreni ih! SAD IH OKRENI! Treba još ulja. Joj! Gdje ćemo naći još ulja? ZALIJEPIĆE SE! Pazi... PAZI! Rekao sam ti PAZI! NIKAD me ne slušaš dok kuvaš! Nikad! Okreni ih! Pozuri! Jesi LUDA? Jesi li TOTALNO poludjela? Ne zaboravi ih posoliti. Znaš, uvijek zaboraviš da ih posoliš. Posoli. POSOLI!
Ona zaprepašteno gleda u njega:
- Zar misliš da ne znam ispeći jaja.
- Ne, samo ti pokazujem kako je meni kada vozim niz Boračku dragu, a i inače!
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Postby njonjo » 30 Jun 2006, 17:34

ovaj zadnji je najbolji dosad
evo jedan od mene:
sta rade dva pileta na Vranici?
piju, piju
njonjo
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Postby brslo » 01 Jul 2006, 09:57

Došao mladi planinar ocu i pita:
- Tata, tata, kupi mi cepin, dereze, najbolju vreću za spavanje, najbolji ranac, najbolje cipele, digitalni aparat, GPS, pa...
Gleda ga stari, gleda i veli:
- Šta ti je, pa ti nisi normalan, što se i ti ne drogiraš k'o svi drugi mladi.

Stara zonzonska poslovica: Pas koji laje, nije dovoljno kuvan.
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Postby sherpa » 03 Jul 2006, 08:38

Evo jedan o meni

Sjedi Šerpa negdje na Bjelašnici, osijedio, ostario baš kao sada , pogrbio se jadan i plače. Naišli planinari i pitaju ga: '' Šta se dogodilo, zašto plačeš?''
''Prije petnaestak dana upoznao planinarku, 25 godina ima, smota me pa u sobu. Mislio sam da ne mogu više i da sam zaboravio šta je - - - -, ma cijelu noć je to bila oluja. Ujutro mi donese kafu i palačinke u krevet. Onda prošetamo, vratimo se nazad, napravi mi bogovski ručak, a pive koliko hoću, poslije toga opet u sobu.''
''I zašto onda plačeš'' pitaju ga.
''Navečer smo gledali zalazak sunca, onda smo se vratili u dom, tamo gitara, pjesma, a ona sve oko mene, donese mi pivu, spremi mezu za sviju, a ona stalno pazi da ispred mene nije prazan tanjir i čaša. Ah, onda opet u krevet. I pita me treba li mi para, ona toga ima na pretek''
'' Pa pobogu reci zašto plačeš?''
'' Tako svaki dan, sve ljepše i ljepše, mislio sam da sam u raju!''
'' Pa Šerpa za ime svjeta, zašto onda plačeš?''
'' Za ime svijeta, evo već treći dan kako ne mogu da se sjetim u kojem sam domu odsjeo!''
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Postby nona » 03 Jul 2006, 13:47

Sretnu se dva stara planinara na Stanarima
Sjecas se ti kad smo mi imali dvadeset godina
Sjecam, sjecam, kako ne
Pa smo ganjali zenske
Sjecam, sjecam
I vodili ih u planine
Sjecam, sjecam... a, bogati, sto 'no mi njih ganjasmo
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Postby sherpa » 03 Jul 2006, 15:01

Dobra replika, moram drugačije

Zima na planini bila strašna. Ide lisica, iznemogla, samo gleda šta bi u stomak. Kad iz grma Kukurikuuu...
Lija presretna skoči u grm. A tamo je dohvati medo i karanje. I kaže:
- Hehe... hehehe... od kada sam naučio ove strane jezike nemam problema.

Došao Zagor na akciju na Jezerce. Malo zakasnio, pao mrak, a zonzoni sjede uz gitaru i pjevaju ''Tjera zvjezda mjeseca''
Pita on ''a što vam to treba, zagoru ga zatjera''
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Postby nona » 03 Jul 2006, 15:18

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Postby sherpa » 03 Jul 2006, 16:58

Ispravak krivog navoda: za goru ga zatjera

Jest da ovo nije planinarski, ali pošto je za našeg vrhobnog komandanta tj. Nailovumater evo ga:
Umro komunjara pa došao bogu na istinu.
Nisi ti za mene, sve komuniste šaljem u pakao, kaže mu on. Zovne đavola te ga ovaj odvede sa sobom. Poslije nekog vremena proviri bog u pakao da vidi šta se tamo dešava, a tamo cvijeće, potočić mir, svi pjevaju.
Zovne on đavola pa ga pita šta se to tamo dogodilo. To je zasluga onoga tvog komuniste što si mi ga poslao, sve nas je doveo u red, odgovori njemu đavo.
Svidilo se to bogu pa se dogovori sa đavolom da mu ga malo posudi da se i raj malo renovira. Posudi mu ga đavo, ali da mu ga za neko vrijeme vrati.
Prođe mjesec dana, pa godina, ali bog ne vraća komunjaru. Zove đavo:
- Gospode, obećao si mi da ćeš mi ga vratiti, zašto nije tako?
- Slušaj ti, nisam ti ja nikakav gospodin nego drug, i ne postojim.
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Postby brslo » 03 Jul 2006, 19:10

Na jednom stećku piše:
Ovdje leži moja žena, a ja u katunu počivam u miru.
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Postby nona » 03 Jul 2006, 21:17

Pazi sad ovog prepucavanja.
Ide serpa s Prenja, sidje u Bijelu, stade, okrenu se lagano, izvadi pracku i upuca puza.
Sjedi Vidackovic ispred kuce i kad to vidje, zakuka: Sto bolan ubi zivotinju?
Bitanga, evo prati me jos od Ploce, odvrati ljutito Serpa, onako kako se samo on zna naljutit.
:-D
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Postby sherpa » 03 Jul 2006, 22:41

Jel' ti to meni gazda baci rukavicu...
Ide Nona kroz Lasni do, vuče za sobom konopac, statika 60 m. Valjda ga pustili na akciju tamo neki sa sjevera koji i ne znaju da postoji jug.
Gleda to Šerpa pa ga pita: ''Bolan Nona zašto vućeš taj konopac za sobom?''
- 'Ajd kad si tako pametan, ti ga guraj.
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Postby nona » 04 Jul 2006, 20:13

Uuuu, ovome gore ce biti tesko parirati.
Posao Sherpa na Jezerce, tegli cijeli karavan, za njim klepecu loncici, serpe, cuture, kasike, na glavi dva para naocara, zimske i ljetne, u ruci nekoliko stapova za razne prilike, protiv zmija, protiv zare, protiv zena, za sipar, za travu, za..., klinovi, ekseri, cekici... nista ga apsolutno ne moze iznenaditi.
Valja gazit 6 km do pod Prenj, sta sada? Konta koliko bi pive morao zrtvovati za jednu taksi turu. Konta sherpa, konta, veli vruce, ko ce ici 6 km... ... I naruci taksi.
Stignu pod Prenj, veli taksista
- 20 KM, gospodine
Sherpi skoci pritisak od onog "gospodine", ali ne imade stap za takve zgode. Pruzi taksisti 10KM.
- Sta je ovo, nije 10 nego 20...
- Pa hebo ga ti, kaze Sherpa vec ljut kako se samo on zna naljutit, pa i ti si se vozio...
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Postby sherpa » 05 Jul 2006, 12:57



Image

Ah sjetio se, kada je Nona bio prošle godine godine u Konjicu ode kod frizera da se ošiša i kaže:
- Ovako jarane, sa jedne strane mi ostavi rupu veličine dlana, sa druge jedno četiri, pet manjih, pozadi neka mi repovi budu neravni, a šiške da budu ukoso i da budu neravnomjrno prorjeđene.
Gleda brico, tu i nema puno kose:
- Pa ne znam da li ću ja to znati.
- Ma koga ti, a prošle godine si znao!
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Postby nona » 06 Jul 2006, 23:35

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